


Wings of Freedom

by erwinskisses



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28805514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erwinskisses/pseuds/erwinskisses
Summary: Evangeline Becker is a well respected squad leader in the Survey Corps. Her wit and intelligence has lead her to be admired by many, esteemed by none other than the Commander himself, Erwin Smith.However her position requires both physical and mental strength. Watching the friends she’s made over the years and the people she cares about die at the hands of the man eating monsters, the titans, has left her fragile and guilt ridden.There is one desire, one dream driving her forward: uncovering the unknown truths about her world and revealing the hidden secrets lurking within the walls.
Kudos: 4





	Wings of Freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings:  
> \- mentions of death (that might be pretty much every chapter going forward...)  
> \- depiction of anxiety, panic attacks
> 
> a special thanks to:  
> \- [@Shisonaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shisoaya/pseuds/Shisoaya)  
> for being so incredibly sweet and supportive. I am so grateful.  
> \- [@melancholicmonologue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/melancholicmonologue)  
> [squidonmywall](https://squidonmywall.tumblr.com/)  
> and [callmepromise](https://callmepromise.tumblr.com/)  
> for being absolute angels and reading my fic, it means so much and I can't express with words how thankful I am.
> 
> On that note, enjoy! (Also if you prefer "x readers", feel free to use an extension to change the oc name to yours!)

###  [Chapter I](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28805514/chapters/70646121)

A scream, a loud shrill pierced her ears, leaving her with nothing but the pitch of their muffled cries. She reached out, in a nothing but futile attempt to save them. The air suddenly felt stuffy, thick. The pungent, metallic smell of blood flooded her nostrils. She stood eyes bulging, mouth agape, no words escaping her throat. The scream was cut off by the clamping shut of teeth. Crimson splattered onto her face, staining her eyes and dripping onto her tongue. Their body was chomped in half, the squelch of their organs being torn apart, and the ghastly cracking of their ribs reverberating in her ears. 

Grey. 

No words escaped her mouth, only a dire scream of horror, terrifying and cruel. Blood sputtered out of their mouth, the light in their eyes fading into the void. The superior, the subordinate, the friend. The people she'd spent months, years, decades with, torn away from her in an instant. 

Tia. 

She called out, her fruitless pleas in harmony with the strangled cries of those around her. The screams of her fellow soldiers, the growls and shrieks of the man-eating monsters. The pain, the anguish. Resent, the agony, the heartbreak; intensity bottling up as the hands she held her blades with shook.

Marcel. 

Despair and remorse, bursting into her blood and rushing through her veins. Anger burning like a growing fire, fueled by the image of their lifeless body and its reminder of the previous ones that came before it. Her pounding heart throbbing in her chest, lungs heaving under her ribs. The pulsing headache, the painful ringing, and whistling echoing in her ears. Pressure building up until she snaps, boiling over.

Emalie. 

Everything stopped. There was nothing else to grasp but the blades in her clutch. No more pain, no more noise. Senses numb. The ardor pushed to the back of her mind as she readied herself. She pushed the top trigger, then the bottom, shooting off the ground and into the air. She swung behind the titan, firing her grappling hooks into its neck. And just as she came down at remarkable speed, she disconnected the hooks. Still moving forward, she swung her blades, slicing the monster's nape ending it quickly. 

Too quickly. 

Grey, Tia, Marcel, Emalie. 

Ida, Addison, Franz, Sage...

Their names echoed in her head again and again. There were more names, the list went on for millennia. An ostinato of their piercing cries and wails bouncing off her ears. The satisfaction she felt the moment she slashed the titan was fleeting, vanishing with the steaming away of the blood that sprayed onto her. There was nothing left for her to hold on to; not their mutilated corpses, not their blood-soaked and torn uniforms, not the headstones sitting on each of their graves.

In an instant. 

Gone.

She woke up with a start, gasping for air, body hunched forwards. Her limbs shook, her ribs ached around her wheezing lungs as she gasped for air. Her arms reached out, attempting to grasp the stale air of the room around her. She slouched eyes bulging, mouth wide desperate for oxygen. She gasped, the fleeting rush of air filling her lungs. Sweat beaded down her forehead into the sheets over her knees, crawling down her spine, dripping off her neck onto her chest. 

She inhaled deeply, breathing in the room's musty air through her nose. She breathed out slowly and gently through her mouth. Eyes closed, she focused on her breathing, counting from one to five with each breath in and each breath out. She held onto her upper arms, fingernails digging into her skin, surely leaving crescent moon engravings behind.

Evangeline breathed out heavily, her senses slowly coming back at her steadying breathing. One at a time, she relaxed her muscles, starting with her fingertips, moving up to her forearm, her shoulder. She moved her way up and around her body, each muscle coming undone with her breaths. Her head rose, forehead cold and sweaty, yet somehow flushed. She straightened her back and crawled out of her wet sheets before settling on the edge of the bed. Evangeline breathed out a sigh, her senses rushing back to her.

Every day was the same. The sun would begin to seep through her window at sunrise, flooding throughout her bedroom. The usual panic attack spawning from her nightmares would startle her awake. As the sun rose higher in the sky, more sunlight filtered through the bedroom glass. Following the ride down from her panic attacks, a wave of exhaustion would crash over her. And just as she'd crawl to wrap herself back into her covers to take refuge from the morn, the birds would begin to chirp relentlessly, ruining her chances of getting any more sleep. 

Evangeline slowly sat up, squinting at the parching sunbeams. Her head throbbed from the headache creeping up on her, ringing reverberating through her ears. She rubbed her eyes with her knuckles to get rid of the blur in her vision and groaned at the sight in front of her. Her room was in disarray, dust piled up on the surfaces of her furniture, and spiderwebs populated every nook and cranny. Her bed was tucked into the far corner of the room, next to it a dresser. Her uniform was sprawled out on the top from her lazily throwing it. Across the room was a small wooden desk with a small, dust-covered gas lamp. Paperwork from the night before was littered across the desk, except for those that slipped and laid on the dirty slab wood floors.

Evangeline shifted out of bed, groaning as she stood up and shifted towards her dresser. She grabbed the hem of her nightgown, slipping it over her head, and threw it onto her mattress. Opening the creaky drawers of her dresser, Evangeline pulled out a fresh pair of white uniform pants and a grey t-shirt. She shifted into the jeans, dragging them over her thighs and legs, and slipped into the shirt. Moments later she stepped in front of her mirror, scanning her disheveled appearance, before grabbing her khaki uniform jacket and making her way out the bedroom door. Evangeline dressed the same every day: brown sash around her waist and hanging off her wide hips, knee-high brown boots and leather straps, and the usual prominent dark under eyes and long messy dark hair. As she walked down the hall she tied her hair up away from her face and in a high ponytail.

Evangeline found herself in a daze, lost in her thoughts, her feet taking her through the headquarters’ pedestrian hallways. It was not quite a lavish building, compared to those of the other branches. Being the smallest branch of the Military, the Survey Corps got the least funding and were constantly under fire from the Military Police and those inside the Walls. She rubbed her temple with her fingers to lessen the painful ringing echoing in her eardrums. She let her feet carry her aimlessly around the building. She walked the sets of stairs from her floor and followed the tile floors. She kept walking the corridors until they converged, leading to the mess hall. 

Chattering voices echoed out into the hall, increasing in volume with every step closer Evangeline took. She entered the rangy room, walking past the symmetrically arranged tables. Scouts sat on every bench, munching on their food and talking amongst themselves. Their voices overlapped, a crescendo of their friendly conversations and laughter overriding Evangeline’s senses. She dug her nails into the skin of her palm, providing a slight distraction from the overwhelming noise. Their laughter morphed into screams in her head, bringing her back to the carnage outside the walls. The snapping shut of titan jaws, their ghastly shrieks, the image of torn flesh, and cadavers flooded her sanity. Her shoulders tensed, her knuckles closing tight into fists at her sides. She made eye contact with her squad a few tables down, who nodded and saluted her before going back to eating their breakfast as if everything was normal. But Evangeline watched as blood gushed out their heads and noted the bite marks littering their bodies. 

Evangeline’s eyes widened, a lump caught in her throat and her lungs squeezed out of her ribcage. It felt as though the air of the room had been sucked out, and her feet kept her bolted into the ground. Her mouth ran dry, leaving her with the urge to lick her parched lips for relief. People poured in from the door behind her, bumping into her and muttering slight apologies before finding their seats. Her heart palpitated, a shiver coursed through her limbs, rattling her bones. Her lungs began to heave in the same way they had back in her bedroom, throbbing under her ribs and begging for oxygen. The painful ringing made its way back into her eardrums and whistled in her ears.

_I need to breathe._

_You know how to, so why can’t you?_

_I-_

“Evangeline, breathe for me,” a voice crept up on her.

_I can’t-_

“Evangeline.”

_I can’t breathe-_

A large hand placed itself on her shoulder prompting Evangeline to glance up at the figure before her. Mike gently held her shoulder in his hand as his silver hues danced over her features. Evangeline’s erratic breathing did not go unnoticed by him, nor did her awful appearance: her bloodshot and tear-filled eyes, her messy hair and long face, and her notably musty scent from not showering in days. 

_I am in control._

_No, you’re not._

_I’m not in control-_

“Evangeline,” Mike said in nearly a whisper. “I need you to breathe a little for me. Come on, let's go somewhere quieter,” he advised. Evangeline nodded, glancing at her squad members, who were no longer covered in the blood she had seen moments before. Mike ushered her out of the mess hall, luckily without bringing any unwanted attention to Evangeline. Upon leaving the noisy environment behind, Mike led Evangeline to a secluded hallway while she tried her best to regain control of herself. Once in the hall, Evangeline collapsed onto her knees to the ground, gasping for air. 

_I’m going to die._

_I’m in danger._

  
  


Her hues protruded from her eye sockets, her mouth hung open and dry. Her shaky fingers fumbled with the top buttons of her uniform, unbuttoning them in a desperate attempt for air. She stumbled over words and choked on her saliva. The swelling and tightening of her throat betrayed her internal pleading for oxygen. Sweat dripped down her temple and neck, her palms drenched in the moisture. 

“Evangeline, you’re safe. I’m not going to leave,” assured Mike.

_Oh no, Mike-_

“No-” she stuttered out, “I need- you need to leave,” she gasped. “You can’t be see- seeing me like this-”

Mike slowly stepped back from Evangeline, putting some distance between them but not too far to still keep an eye on her. 

“If you change your mind, I’ll come right back.” 

A feeling of dread overwhelmed Evangeline, her vain attempts to get her breathing under control frustrating her. Her eyes brimmed with tears, the sorrow tumbled down her lids to her cheeks. She whimpered quietly as she clutched her uniform jacket, rocking herself back and forth. Her hands shook and her bottom lip trembled. Again, the image of their bloodied corpse deluged her mind, and their piercing cries echoed through ears. The copper scent of blood wafted up to her nose, and the taste of it lingered on her tongue. The gurgle of the titans reverberated in her head, sending chills up and over the skin covering her body. The splosh of their bodies being torn replayed in her brain over and over, the ghastly memory engraved under her lids.

_It’s my fault._

_You did this._

_I didn’t mean to-_

_But they’re dead._

“I- I’m sorry,” she sniveled. 

_That’s not good enough._

_“Sorry” won’t bring them back._

She wept as silently as she could, bringing her shaky hand up to cover her mouth.

“I’m so sorry.”

People told her that with time, her grief would be lessened and softened. But it had been long enough, and they had neglected to mention the guilt.

~

“Mike, I need to get back to my room.” Evangeline pleaded. “If I can just finish my paperwork-”

“No. You’re staying here. You know what the nurses said,” Mike scolded. Evangeline huffed out a sigh, rubbing her hands over her eyes and down her face. After she had managed to breathe normally again, Mike brought her to the infirmary. The nurses had changed her out of her uniform and into a loose shirt and pants. One of them explained that she had been experiencing what were similar to panic attacks and that she needed to rest and step back from working to regain some stability. She obeyed when they told her to rest in the infirmary’s bed and she passed out, exhausted. But as soon as she woke up she begged to be let go so that she could return to her duties. She bickered with Mike to let her leave, he simply ignored her or retorted a “no”. 

Mike sniffed the air, turned away from Evangeline, and walked towards the room’s door. Just then a knock reverberated through the wooden door making Evangeline jolt. Mike grabbed the doorknob and twisted it, opening the door and moving to the side to let in the person on the other side. Evangeline glanced up and locked stares with a pair of blue eyes. She quickly sat up straight and saluted to the man entering the room. 

“Erwin,” she greeted, “what brings you here?”

“Mike filled me in,” he answered as he walked to the foot of the bed. “The nurses as well.” Mike moved back to his spot next to the room’s window sill, paying no mind to Evangeline sneering at him. Evangeline stared attentively at her commander, waiting for his orders to get back to work. 

“-Squad Leader Dirk will be temporarily in charge of your squad. In the meantime, you are to rest for a few days until you are more stable.” Evangeline’s heart sank, she hung her head low and stared at her hands sitting on her thighs. 

“You’re intelligent, Evangeline, an asset to the Survey Corps.” Erwin began. “For you to put your skills to use, you need to be stable and well-rested.” Evangeline nodded, muttering that she understood his orders. She fidgeted with the thin sheet draped over her legs, kneading it between her thumb and index. Undetected by Evangeline, Erwin glanced at Mike, giving him a silent order to leave the room. Evangeline did not react to the door closing shut behind him, simply continued to toy with the bedsheet. 

“Evangeline,” started Erwin, “you’ve been unable to deal with your grief properly since your squad member was killed.” Evangeline stopped fiddling with the blanket and inhaled sharply. A pang of regret rattled her bones. 

“Why is that?” he questioned.

“Their name was Tia,” she murmured. “They-” she gulped, choking on her words. Eyes brimming with regret, she closed them. Their smile and laughter flashed through her mind. She remembered the way they would play with her hair, the warmth of their touch, and the feeling that would flutter in her gut whenever she saw them. The tears Evangeline tried to keep from falling streamed down her face. 

“It’s my fault. I could have saved them but I-” Evangeline sniffed and, embarrassed, covered her face with her trembling hands. “I miscalculated, and now their blood is on my hands.” Evangeline’s voice cracked, a sob lodged in her throat. Erwin breathed in deeply, crouching at the foot of the bed.

“Who’s the one that killed them? Was it you?” Confused, Evangeline looked at Erwin through the cracks of her fingers.

“It’s my fault they’re dead,” she repeated, “I am to blame-”

“-you did not answer my question,” he interrupted. Evangeline placed her hands back on her thighs and locked her brown eyes with Erwin’s icy glaze. 

“Did you kill them?” he queried again. Evangeline’s mouth opened to respond, but her words stuck in her throat. 

“You are not to blame for their death, the titans are.” Erwin dictated, and Evangeline shook her head. 

“It was the titans, Evangeline. The titans killed them, not you.” Her bottom lip quivered and a whimper escaped her throat. 

“The titans killed all of our dead comrades, you are not to blame, none of us are. But we need people like you, who are smart and willing, to fight and turn the tables on them.” Evangeline had long forgotten her embarrassment as tears flowed out of her like a fountain while she cried. Erwin stood up, his gaze still trained on her. 

“You will rest, you will grieve, and you will regain your strength. And once you have, you will come back to us and continue to lend us your skill.” Erwin walked to the door, taking the doorknob in his grip, looking over his shoulder at Evangeline.

“Humanity needs you, Evangeline. Remember that.” As soon as Erwin walked out the door, sobs overtook Evangeline and shook her to her core. She gripped her shoulders and dug her nails into her skin, cradling herself. She mouthed apologies to Tia over and over until her mouth ran dry. She nestled into the bed, clutching a pillow between her arms, before drifting off to sleep. For the first time in nights, she slept soundly and peacefully, no nightmares waking her from her rest. 

Purpose. The Survey Corps had given her life purpose, and Erwin gave Evangeline a reason to move forward.


End file.
